Well-meant but misleading advice to parents

Parents of teenagers are often given the advice to keep a check on their children – ask what they are doing, where they are, and who they are with – and to steer them away from deviant peers in order to avoid problems. And when parents find out their children are with problematic peers, interrupt the friendships. But it is not as straightforward as it sounds. This kind of advice may in fact have the opposite effect, says Lauree Tilton-Weaver, a psychology researcher at Örebro University, writing in the journal Developmental Psychology.

When youths get into trouble with alcohol, drugs or crime, this normally happens away from parents and other adults. In addition, research shows that problem behaviour is more common when parents lack knowledge of what is going on in their children’s lives. Parents are therefore often given the advice to try to control their adolescents’ activities and friendships. These days, parents can even monitor their children’s whereabouts with mobile phones.

– However, it is not clear if the advice to check up on adolescents and attempt to control their friendships is warranted, says Lauree Tilton-Weaver, who has more than 15 years of experience studying adolescents, their relationships, parenting, and problem behaviour.

May have the opposite effect

Her research shows that the effects of asking questions and communicating dislike of friends depends on the period of adolescence, the type of parenting behaviour, and whether adolescents feel that their parents are overly controlling. In some cases it works, in others not.

– As a parent you have to tread extra carefully in your child’s early teens, as these attempts backfire more often than when the teenager is a bit older. Why this is, we do not know, but it may be that older adolescents are better able to understand their parents’ point of view. It may also be that choosing and controlling friendship issues is particularly important to young adolescents, who might view parents’ control as meddling, says Lauree Tilton-Weaver.

– Going straight to the point and saying “I don’t like your friend” may be interpreted by the child as if you are rejecting them as well. They tend to feel that they have much in common with their friends – so they may feel that what the parent therefore indirectly is saying is “I don’t like you”.

– My advice is to show your child, at an early stage and before any problems arise, that you understand how important their friends are. If problems arise, show that you care about your child and that you want them to be happy. Find out what they value in that friend, and ask them how they feel about what troubles you. Explain and discuss what you are thinking. Be there for your child and listen to what they have to say.

Building the parent-child relationship

She recommends parents give their children support, guidance, and time in order to build children’s confidence in their parents. When children trust their parents to act reasonably, they listen and take in their parents’ advice. It is not about becoming their friend, but to encourage a dialogue. The most important information will not be disclosed when you as a parent are questioning your child, but it will be offered through voluntary communication – when the child wants to tell you.

– Parents must be on board from the start – it is important to lay a good foundation already in primary school. The most efficient approach is to reinforce that which is positive at an early stage – by showing that you appreciate your child’s friends when that is indeed the case.

– If you as a parent react badly when problems arise – blaming, shaming, or getting very angry – the result may be that the child will tell you even less about their lives.

– It is important not to forget that teenagers must be allowed to have a sense of control over their lives and have the opportunities to make their own choices. Teenagers are not entirely unlike adults – consider how much you like it when people try to control you.

Text: Linda Harradine
Photo: Private